The Ever-Loving Virgin Prince
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
I've Got My Festivus Present!
Good news everyone! I’ve acquired a new servant-boy!
My manor is now kept perfectly spic and span, courtesy of my new friend Bjorgen Tiberius Bleddershpuddle. I’m not sure quite where he’s from, but it matters not, he’s small enough to crawl under the house, and with his poor command of the English language, I can’t understand a word of his pleas for rest. If there’s one term I’m especially fond of, it’s “plausible deniability”.
Some of you might be asking, “But Virgin Prince....”
Ahem.
“But O great and noble Virgin Prince, where did you get a servant-boy?”
Well, I’ll tell you. I bought him dirt cheap, at a wholesale price from a shoe factory in Korea. It was worth every penny! He barely eats, and with those tiny, orphan fingers, there isn’t a spot of dirt he can’t get to. I tell you, those orphan fingers are priceless, all nine of them.
I had initially planned to use young Bjorgen to help out in the assembly of my kites and toyline. That’s right, toyline. I’m expanding. In addition to my fine line of kites, I’ve also developed the Ozzy Osbourne Motorcycle Crash playset, the JFK Jr. radio-controlled plane set (which is just a repainted reissue of the John Denver plane I’d released earlier, which in fact was repaint of a toy design I’d stolen from my father, the Buddy Holly plane set), and also a game I made called “Who’s Dating Winona Ryder This Week?” For the game, one side plays as Winona Ryder, the other as Drew Barrymore, and you try to guess eachother’s boyfriends. It’s really just a slightly modified copy of Guess Who, but it works. Both Milton Bradley and Winona Ryder are suing me over it, but surprisingly, not Drew Barrymore, who instead called me up and asked me out.
Anyway, I had initially planned to use young Bjorgen to help out in the assembly of my kites and toyline, but then realized he’d be much better used to take care of my house. If any of you have ever had a pet, you probably have some sort of idea of how quickly fur gets everywhere, and the sort of constant mess that ensues. With Bobo the Virgin Chimp around, it’s not much different for me. I am sick of cleaning feces from the walls! Blessed servant-boy, he spares me the effort.
Bobo takes some time adjusting to new people however, so I had to introduce him to young Bjorgen. The best way to get used to someone, I’ve always found, is by constant exposure. With that in mind, I sealed Bjorgen in the cage with Bobo and went off for a small while. Sure, there was a little screaming for the first 3 hours but I think they really bonded while I was gone. In fact, when I did come back, they looked like the best of friends, Bobo hugging the shaking young lad and petting his head as he smoked a cigarette.
All in all, things are going pretty well around the old Virgin-lair, the Fortress of Fortitude has never looked better. Anyway, I gotta go. Batman’s getting a new Batmobile for Christmas and I promised Robin I’d help him weld the giant bat-head to the front of the Hummer.
Be seeing you,
The Virgin Prince
My manor is now kept perfectly spic and span, courtesy of my new friend Bjorgen Tiberius Bleddershpuddle. I’m not sure quite where he’s from, but it matters not, he’s small enough to crawl under the house, and with his poor command of the English language, I can’t understand a word of his pleas for rest. If there’s one term I’m especially fond of, it’s “plausible deniability”.
Some of you might be asking, “But Virgin Prince....”
Ahem.
“But O great and noble Virgin Prince, where did you get a servant-boy?”
Well, I’ll tell you. I bought him dirt cheap, at a wholesale price from a shoe factory in Korea. It was worth every penny! He barely eats, and with those tiny, orphan fingers, there isn’t a spot of dirt he can’t get to. I tell you, those orphan fingers are priceless, all nine of them.
I had initially planned to use young Bjorgen to help out in the assembly of my kites and toyline. That’s right, toyline. I’m expanding. In addition to my fine line of kites, I’ve also developed the Ozzy Osbourne Motorcycle Crash playset, the JFK Jr. radio-controlled plane set (which is just a repainted reissue of the John Denver plane I’d released earlier, which in fact was repaint of a toy design I’d stolen from my father, the Buddy Holly plane set), and also a game I made called “Who’s Dating Winona Ryder This Week?” For the game, one side plays as Winona Ryder, the other as Drew Barrymore, and you try to guess eachother’s boyfriends. It’s really just a slightly modified copy of Guess Who, but it works. Both Milton Bradley and Winona Ryder are suing me over it, but surprisingly, not Drew Barrymore, who instead called me up and asked me out.
Anyway, I had initially planned to use young Bjorgen to help out in the assembly of my kites and toyline, but then realized he’d be much better used to take care of my house. If any of you have ever had a pet, you probably have some sort of idea of how quickly fur gets everywhere, and the sort of constant mess that ensues. With Bobo the Virgin Chimp around, it’s not much different for me. I am sick of cleaning feces from the walls! Blessed servant-boy, he spares me the effort.
Bobo takes some time adjusting to new people however, so I had to introduce him to young Bjorgen. The best way to get used to someone, I’ve always found, is by constant exposure. With that in mind, I sealed Bjorgen in the cage with Bobo and went off for a small while. Sure, there was a little screaming for the first 3 hours but I think they really bonded while I was gone. In fact, when I did come back, they looked like the best of friends, Bobo hugging the shaking young lad and petting his head as he smoked a cigarette.
All in all, things are going pretty well around the old Virgin-lair, the Fortress of Fortitude has never looked better. Anyway, I gotta go. Batman’s getting a new Batmobile for Christmas and I promised Robin I’d help him weld the giant bat-head to the front of the Hummer.
The Virgin Prince
