The Ever-Loving Virgin Prince
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Making Money, Part 2
I had a brainstorm recently. The yo-yo craze has happened, twice. The hula hoop craze is over. The spinning top craze kinda fizzled out. It’s only a matter of time before the kite-craze kicks in! Of course, it’ll never happen as long as companies continue to make the mediocre kites they’ve been making. Go to the store and look at the selection of kites. What do you see? Unicorns? Yuck! Harry Potter? Who the hell wants to fly a kite covered by a bunch of fruity limeys (is that redundant?) dressed in black? Maybe you see a Mickey Mouse kite? Mickey Mouse is played out!
(Ooh, the British spell-check on this copy of Word doesn’t like the term limey too much.)
The companies just aren’t licensing the right things. You gotta make things fresh and new if you want some kind of buzz. You gotta keep in step with what’s cool. This is why I suggest the Missy Elliot kite! My current prototype features Missy Elliot in her trash-bag-suit with a quote on the side that says, “Keep your eyes on my be-dumpy bum bum”. Originally, I had wanted to use her backwards-talking quote, spelling it as closely as I could, “Yits nur flippy-dippy N yanko! Yits nur flippy-dippy N yanko!” but that didn’t fly so well with consumer testing.
Also on the way, I have the RunDMC kite, the Pamela Anderson “Tommy Lee gave me hepatitis” kite, and the Paris Hilton sex-tape kite, which I’m sure will be a big seller. Also planned are the Avril-Lavigne-go-the-hell-back-to-Canada kite, J-Lo’s Butt kite (it’s our biggest one), the 16” by 24” this-much-land-currently-belongs-to-Palestine kite (actual size), Conan the Groper, and the ultra-deluxe inflating Missy-Elliot-in-a-trash-bag-suit kite.
Anyway, I went out to the mall yesterday to try to promote my fine products and find some prospective buyers. To help promote my kites, I myself was wearing my own inflatable trash-bag-suit. Sometime between hitting up the vile Hot Topic and the low-brow Spencer Gifts, I realized I was quite famished. I stopped over at the McDonalds to get some chicken McNuggets (now with fake white meat). After taking my order, the lady serving me asked me what sauce I wanted.
“Honey,” I told her.
“I’m sorry sir, we’re all out. Would you like sweet and sour or barbecue sauce?”
“I said I want honey!”
A violent tussle ensued, and I was ejected from the mall by mall security. My trip to the mall wasn’t a complete loss however. During the excitement of the McDonaldland mayhem, I shoved my pants full of Brother Bear happy meal toys. Also, ONE store was interested in buying my kites, that one store being Sanrio. The only problem is they want the Missy Elliot kites to have Missy Elliot’s head on a cartoon cat body.
Well a buck’s a buck.
(Ooh, the British spell-check on this copy of Word doesn’t like the term limey too much.)
The companies just aren’t licensing the right things. You gotta make things fresh and new if you want some kind of buzz. You gotta keep in step with what’s cool. This is why I suggest the Missy Elliot kite! My current prototype features Missy Elliot in her trash-bag-suit with a quote on the side that says, “Keep your eyes on my be-dumpy bum bum”. Originally, I had wanted to use her backwards-talking quote, spelling it as closely as I could, “Yits nur flippy-dippy N yanko! Yits nur flippy-dippy N yanko!” but that didn’t fly so well with consumer testing.
Also on the way, I have the RunDMC kite, the Pamela Anderson “Tommy Lee gave me hepatitis” kite, and the Paris Hilton sex-tape kite, which I’m sure will be a big seller. Also planned are the Avril-Lavigne-go-the-hell-back-to-Canada kite, J-Lo’s Butt kite (it’s our biggest one), the 16” by 24” this-much-land-currently-belongs-to-Palestine kite (actual size), Conan the Groper, and the ultra-deluxe inflating Missy-Elliot-in-a-trash-bag-suit kite.
Anyway, I went out to the mall yesterday to try to promote my fine products and find some prospective buyers. To help promote my kites, I myself was wearing my own inflatable trash-bag-suit. Sometime between hitting up the vile Hot Topic and the low-brow Spencer Gifts, I realized I was quite famished. I stopped over at the McDonalds to get some chicken McNuggets (now with fake white meat). After taking my order, the lady serving me asked me what sauce I wanted.
“Honey,” I told her.
“I’m sorry sir, we’re all out. Would you like sweet and sour or barbecue sauce?”
“I said I want honey!”
A violent tussle ensued, and I was ejected from the mall by mall security. My trip to the mall wasn’t a complete loss however. During the excitement of the McDonaldland mayhem, I shoved my pants full of Brother Bear happy meal toys. Also, ONE store was interested in buying my kites, that one store being Sanrio. The only problem is they want the Missy Elliot kites to have Missy Elliot’s head on a cartoon cat body.
Well a buck’s a buck.
