The Ever-Loving Virgin Prince
Thursday, December 04, 2003
German and Russian War Experiments
In my line of work, that being crime-fighter, mystery-man, super-hero, call it what you will, I’m not without connections and I have amassed quite a bit of knowledge, I have been privy to various bits of information, I know many things I most likely should not. So to you, my loyal readers, I disclose secrets from the vaults of U. S. Intelligence. Juicy W.W.II gossip. Take yourself back now: the year is 1942. Batman comics are all the rage, a young Jack Kirby has begun getting screwed over by the comic industry, a young Albert Einstein is making a name for himself, the atomic age has not yet begun. Journey now with me, backwards! Backwards in time! Come now, take a trip on my magic, swirling ship, roll up for the mystery tour! We go now.
In 1942, Europe was a bloody battleground, its trenches and fields a flashing orgy of death, filled with grunts and moans and spillage of bodily fluids. Every country had scientists hard at work, looking for advances to aid their country in the war. Germany had a proficiency in building reliable machines and was making great effort in the field of genetic research in the attempt to master genetic engineering. Germany’s greatest military weapon was a fusion of their skills. They made a soldier which could perfectly infiltrate enemy lines, Germans who could become, at will, refrigerators. Reliable, German-engineered refrigerators.
The Plan was simple. During bombing runs by the German air-fleet, they would drop refrigerators and bags of rubbish on enemy lines. The Americans, British, and Russians were surely not the type to pass up a reliable refrigerator and would place them in their bases, utilizing them to store food other than K-rations. This gave the Germans access to enemy secrets.
The Russians eventually figured it out and, not to be outdone, started work on their own secret weapon. The Russians, never ones for subtlety, created a whole platoon of soldiers who could become at will Siberian bears. They turned out to be a terrible failure in the field of espionage and intelligence, it seems German suspicion was aroused as officers started noticing a sharp increase in the appearance of Siberian bears in central Germany. Furthermore, the fact that these Siberian bears wore Russian uniforms helped matters none (the Russians never mastered the usage of unstable molecules on clothing). However, the Russian bear-soldiers were determined to be incredibly effective in battle, making their worth that of 10 German refrigerators. Their success as a platoon gained them one of the highest success rates ever, and several have since gone on to father many of Russia’s top female Olympic athletes.
“What happened to the Germans?” you might ask, “how could their plan have possibly failed?” Well, the Germans forgot to take into account the grizzled, gritty, gruff of the American soldiers. The Germans died from bacterial infections, victims of weeks-old General’s Chicken, and other food items left to rot in the back of the shelves.
And what of the Americans? Well, aside from the fact that we had Airboy and the Air Fighters, The Spectre, Captain America, and the Justice Society of America championing our side, the truth is America didn’t need a secret weapon (short of an atomic bomb), we had the U. S. Marines. They were possessed of no special abilities other than bleeding Red, White, and Blue blood. Much like a tube of Aquafresh, leaving pools of blood that looked like liquid Old Glorys. This was moreso a weakness than a strength, as a papercut could expose one’s true identity to the German command. Regardless, neither Russian bear-soldier, nor German refrigerator was a match for a U. S. Marine. After all, American mountain-men had been wrestling bears for years.
Well, there you have it. I hope my story has filled you with the same sense of awe and blind patriotism as it has me. Though I’d like to thank my contact, honor demands I keep him anonymous to protect his identity. There’s nothing wrong with pseudonyms though. So Beorge W. Gush, wherever you are, I salute you. Thanks for the use of your father’s file.
Be seeing you,
The Virgin Prince
In 1942, Europe was a bloody battleground, its trenches and fields a flashing orgy of death, filled with grunts and moans and spillage of bodily fluids. Every country had scientists hard at work, looking for advances to aid their country in the war. Germany had a proficiency in building reliable machines and was making great effort in the field of genetic research in the attempt to master genetic engineering. Germany’s greatest military weapon was a fusion of their skills. They made a soldier which could perfectly infiltrate enemy lines, Germans who could become, at will, refrigerators. Reliable, German-engineered refrigerators.
The Plan was simple. During bombing runs by the German air-fleet, they would drop refrigerators and bags of rubbish on enemy lines. The Americans, British, and Russians were surely not the type to pass up a reliable refrigerator and would place them in their bases, utilizing them to store food other than K-rations. This gave the Germans access to enemy secrets.
The Russians eventually figured it out and, not to be outdone, started work on their own secret weapon. The Russians, never ones for subtlety, created a whole platoon of soldiers who could become at will Siberian bears. They turned out to be a terrible failure in the field of espionage and intelligence, it seems German suspicion was aroused as officers started noticing a sharp increase in the appearance of Siberian bears in central Germany. Furthermore, the fact that these Siberian bears wore Russian uniforms helped matters none (the Russians never mastered the usage of unstable molecules on clothing). However, the Russian bear-soldiers were determined to be incredibly effective in battle, making their worth that of 10 German refrigerators. Their success as a platoon gained them one of the highest success rates ever, and several have since gone on to father many of Russia’s top female Olympic athletes.
“What happened to the Germans?” you might ask, “how could their plan have possibly failed?” Well, the Germans forgot to take into account the grizzled, gritty, gruff of the American soldiers. The Germans died from bacterial infections, victims of weeks-old General’s Chicken, and other food items left to rot in the back of the shelves.
And what of the Americans? Well, aside from the fact that we had Airboy and the Air Fighters, The Spectre, Captain America, and the Justice Society of America championing our side, the truth is America didn’t need a secret weapon (short of an atomic bomb), we had the U. S. Marines. They were possessed of no special abilities other than bleeding Red, White, and Blue blood. Much like a tube of Aquafresh, leaving pools of blood that looked like liquid Old Glorys. This was moreso a weakness than a strength, as a papercut could expose one’s true identity to the German command. Regardless, neither Russian bear-soldier, nor German refrigerator was a match for a U. S. Marine. After all, American mountain-men had been wrestling bears for years.
Well, there you have it. I hope my story has filled you with the same sense of awe and blind patriotism as it has me. Though I’d like to thank my contact, honor demands I keep him anonymous to protect his identity. There’s nothing wrong with pseudonyms though. So Beorge W. Gush, wherever you are, I salute you. Thanks for the use of your father’s file.
The Virgin Prince
