The Ever-Loving Virgin Prince
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Pointless Ranting Brought On By Current Events
As you may have heard, Saddam Hussein just got captured. Initially, I didn’t know how to take the news. I mean, I suppose it’s a good thing, the guy was a bastard and a murderer, and this pretty much confirms that he can’t cause anymore trouble. But I have this overwhelming fear that this is just going to help Bush’s approval rating, and with the Democrats’ front-runner running with a strong anti-war platform, this can’t possibly help them.
Lord knows we don’t need another 4 years of Bush. The time we’ve had with him has been too much already.
Okay, granted I think Saddam needed to be taken out of power, and perhaps we were the only ones that could do it (if not for our military superiority, then for our country’s guilt-free ability to invade the rest of the world and put things the way we like them; lack of respect for other nations is our greatest military asset), but it really just wasn’t appropriate for us to invade Iraq. Certainly not when we did, certainly not for the reasons we stated. If we’d finished the job the first time, or if we’d waited until Iraq actually did something, then I wouldn’t have such a problem with a complete invasion and dismantling of their government.
Now personally, there were two things I would have liked to see happen as far as the war was concerned. One, when Bush declared the war on Iraq, stating his reasons of needing to remove Saddam from power, being that he was a greedy, power-hungry, un-elected tyrant with weapons of mass-destruction, leading a political party that didn’t respect the will of the people, I think Saddam should have then declared war on the U.S., stating his reasons of needing to remove Bush from power, being that he was a greedy, power-hungry, un-elected tyrant with weapons of mass-destruction, leading a political party that didn’t respect the will of the people. Granted, when Saddam led in his invasion force, it would have looked something like Washington crossing the Delaware, what with his small army, but still, it would have been funny and entirely justified.
The second option is, and I’m rather fond of this one, is rather than sending in all their countrymen to die for them, if the two of them had each just gotten on a horse, each armed with a 2x4, and proceeded to wail upon eachother. The winner gets the other guy’s country. I bet Bush would have thought twice then. Originally, I thought they should just tie their left wrists together and have a knife fight, but I decided against that, being that Saddam would have the advantage, having ACTUALLY SERVED in the military for some time, and no doubt gaining some combat experience. I might not like Bush all that much, but if Saddam gutted him from gullet to groin, it would prove that, yes, you can mess with Texas, and we just can’t have that.
Hell, who cares who wins, if it wasn’t for Bush’s 666 birthmark I wouldn’t be able to tell the two of them apart anyway. That’s right. Bush is the anti-christ. I’ll expand more on that later.
And with this post, I’m going to be very closely monitored by the government from now on.
To Hades with you big brother! You’ll never catch the Virgin Prince! I’ll be laughing and jumping from roof to roof, pelting NSA officers with fudge-covered bananas, stopping only to mark my territory on the four corners of the Whitehouse lawn.
In other news, the Orca that starred in Free Willy died from pneumonia. I feel sorry for that poor bastard. He never got used to the wild ocean. This unfortunate noble beast was completely institutionalized by his years spent in captivity, and spent his last years of freedom seeking out the company of humans. Humans, not whales. In the end, he was of course shunned by both.
And it all comes back to one thing, both wars for oil, and whales kept for 30 years in captivity in amusement parks.
Money.
The Virgin Prince loves money too, and in this area, I am not without my own plans for getting rich quick. Some of you may have heard of WWW.BUMFIGHTS.COM. Bumfights, if you couldn’t guess, is a site run by a bunch of guys with money, that then use that money to pay homeless people to beat the living crap out of eachother, in as violent and brutal a manner as possible. The guys then put the fights on tape and sell them, making more money, and continuing to prey upon the inexhaustible supply of homeless people out there. I can’t tell if this is as bad as, or worse than, Girls Gone Wild.
I say to the men behind Bumfights, stop this exploitation of homeless people! Stop using them for your own monetary gain. Instead, allow ME to exploit them for MY monetary gain. Here’s my idea: H.S.L., The Homeless Soccer League. Here’s the set-up, professional soccer players may be good and all, but far too expensive. Here’s where I cut costs. I only have to pay the winning team. That’s right, I set up a table with a massive feast upon it to make the grandest Thanksgiving seem paltry. The winning team eats.
Oh, you may have thought you’d seen some intense bouts of athletic competition before, but have you ever seen a player give it his all like a man does when he’s desperate for a meal? When the H.S.L. plays, you will see men jump 30 feet, float on wind currents, run so fast that their feet don’t touch the ground. The Six Million Dollar Man will have nothing on the man with six cents!
It’ll balance out too, see because the winning team will inevitably get soft, whoever’s the hungriest is bound to win, so eventually everyone eats. Oh okay, I’ll feed the losing team too, but they only get beans and rice. And no booze.
You figured out how I’d make money right? Admission! I don’t have to charge much, my profit margin is pretty much guaranteed. The stands will fill up as people root for their favorite teams, the guys from their neighborhoods. Feel the excitement as the Fillmore Self-Talkers face off against the Tenderloin Screamers! Get caught up in the action as the Mission Street Paint-Huffers take on the Market Street Urinators! Oh, I can see it now, why, in no time at all I’ll have Jim Brown and Pele as announcers at my game!
Jim Brown: Hello there everybody. Welcome to H.S.L. Championship Game. I’m Jim Brown, and here with me is Pele.
Pele: ¿Que?
Jim Brown: Well it looks like the Castro Drinkers have an unbeatable offense this season. Do you think the Haight Street Spacemen stand a chance, Pele?
Pele: ¿Como?
Dennis Miller: I don’t know Pele, looks like Old Joe just might go Enkidu on Cracker over there, but then again Cracker’s got more fishies surrounding him than Tiberius on a good day.
Pele: ¿Que?
Okay, okay, I realize Pele is from Brazil, and speaks not Spanish, but Portuguese. Problem is, I don’t. Anyway, it’s late and I gotta go to bed, so I’ll tell you about the rest of my money-making schemes tomorrow.
Lord knows we don’t need another 4 years of Bush. The time we’ve had with him has been too much already.
Okay, granted I think Saddam needed to be taken out of power, and perhaps we were the only ones that could do it (if not for our military superiority, then for our country’s guilt-free ability to invade the rest of the world and put things the way we like them; lack of respect for other nations is our greatest military asset), but it really just wasn’t appropriate for us to invade Iraq. Certainly not when we did, certainly not for the reasons we stated. If we’d finished the job the first time, or if we’d waited until Iraq actually did something, then I wouldn’t have such a problem with a complete invasion and dismantling of their government.
Now personally, there were two things I would have liked to see happen as far as the war was concerned. One, when Bush declared the war on Iraq, stating his reasons of needing to remove Saddam from power, being that he was a greedy, power-hungry, un-elected tyrant with weapons of mass-destruction, leading a political party that didn’t respect the will of the people, I think Saddam should have then declared war on the U.S., stating his reasons of needing to remove Bush from power, being that he was a greedy, power-hungry, un-elected tyrant with weapons of mass-destruction, leading a political party that didn’t respect the will of the people. Granted, when Saddam led in his invasion force, it would have looked something like Washington crossing the Delaware, what with his small army, but still, it would have been funny and entirely justified.
The second option is, and I’m rather fond of this one, is rather than sending in all their countrymen to die for them, if the two of them had each just gotten on a horse, each armed with a 2x4, and proceeded to wail upon eachother. The winner gets the other guy’s country. I bet Bush would have thought twice then. Originally, I thought they should just tie their left wrists together and have a knife fight, but I decided against that, being that Saddam would have the advantage, having ACTUALLY SERVED in the military for some time, and no doubt gaining some combat experience. I might not like Bush all that much, but if Saddam gutted him from gullet to groin, it would prove that, yes, you can mess with Texas, and we just can’t have that.
Hell, who cares who wins, if it wasn’t for Bush’s 666 birthmark I wouldn’t be able to tell the two of them apart anyway. That’s right. Bush is the anti-christ. I’ll expand more on that later.
And with this post, I’m going to be very closely monitored by the government from now on.
To Hades with you big brother! You’ll never catch the Virgin Prince! I’ll be laughing and jumping from roof to roof, pelting NSA officers with fudge-covered bananas, stopping only to mark my territory on the four corners of the Whitehouse lawn.
In other news, the Orca that starred in Free Willy died from pneumonia. I feel sorry for that poor bastard. He never got used to the wild ocean. This unfortunate noble beast was completely institutionalized by his years spent in captivity, and spent his last years of freedom seeking out the company of humans. Humans, not whales. In the end, he was of course shunned by both.
And it all comes back to one thing, both wars for oil, and whales kept for 30 years in captivity in amusement parks.
Money.
The Virgin Prince loves money too, and in this area, I am not without my own plans for getting rich quick. Some of you may have heard of WWW.BUMFIGHTS.COM. Bumfights, if you couldn’t guess, is a site run by a bunch of guys with money, that then use that money to pay homeless people to beat the living crap out of eachother, in as violent and brutal a manner as possible. The guys then put the fights on tape and sell them, making more money, and continuing to prey upon the inexhaustible supply of homeless people out there. I can’t tell if this is as bad as, or worse than, Girls Gone Wild.
I say to the men behind Bumfights, stop this exploitation of homeless people! Stop using them for your own monetary gain. Instead, allow ME to exploit them for MY monetary gain. Here’s my idea: H.S.L., The Homeless Soccer League. Here’s the set-up, professional soccer players may be good and all, but far too expensive. Here’s where I cut costs. I only have to pay the winning team. That’s right, I set up a table with a massive feast upon it to make the grandest Thanksgiving seem paltry. The winning team eats.
Oh, you may have thought you’d seen some intense bouts of athletic competition before, but have you ever seen a player give it his all like a man does when he’s desperate for a meal? When the H.S.L. plays, you will see men jump 30 feet, float on wind currents, run so fast that their feet don’t touch the ground. The Six Million Dollar Man will have nothing on the man with six cents!
It’ll balance out too, see because the winning team will inevitably get soft, whoever’s the hungriest is bound to win, so eventually everyone eats. Oh okay, I’ll feed the losing team too, but they only get beans and rice. And no booze.
You figured out how I’d make money right? Admission! I don’t have to charge much, my profit margin is pretty much guaranteed. The stands will fill up as people root for their favorite teams, the guys from their neighborhoods. Feel the excitement as the Fillmore Self-Talkers face off against the Tenderloin Screamers! Get caught up in the action as the Mission Street Paint-Huffers take on the Market Street Urinators! Oh, I can see it now, why, in no time at all I’ll have Jim Brown and Pele as announcers at my game!
Jim Brown: Hello there everybody. Welcome to H.S.L. Championship Game. I’m Jim Brown, and here with me is Pele.
Pele: ¿Que?
Jim Brown: Well it looks like the Castro Drinkers have an unbeatable offense this season. Do you think the Haight Street Spacemen stand a chance, Pele?
Pele: ¿Como?
Dennis Miller: I don’t know Pele, looks like Old Joe just might go Enkidu on Cracker over there, but then again Cracker’s got more fishies surrounding him than Tiberius on a good day.
Pele: ¿Que?
Okay, okay, I realize Pele is from Brazil, and speaks not Spanish, but Portuguese. Problem is, I don’t. Anyway, it’s late and I gotta go to bed, so I’ll tell you about the rest of my money-making schemes tomorrow.
